Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
