To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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