masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
