The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
