I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
