i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
