Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
