You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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