it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
