I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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