her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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