i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize