I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
