The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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