My brain says no but my pants say off.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
True strength comes from lack of pants
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
