I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
