who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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