if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Terrible idea I love it
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
