by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
