i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he shaved USA in his pubs
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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