I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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