i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize