She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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