So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
