yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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