im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
