Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
