My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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