so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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