he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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