The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Drunk is a universal language darling
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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