im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
