Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
