i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
