All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
from now on my penis is your penis
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
