My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
