Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm jealous of your bromance
you traded sex for a burrito?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize