all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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