Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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