You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
do nipples grow back?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
