At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
