Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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