even my farts smell like vagina
I got her a Nickelback box set.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
