When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
