my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
