Im at strip club and am horny
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
