accomplished twins. life is a go
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
