I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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