im six kinds of drunk right now
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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