I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
