I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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