Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
