Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
