Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
please don't ironically join a cult
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