Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
