For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So vagazzling was a success
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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