bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Randomize
