I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
