drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
