"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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