The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
You ruined the universe
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
