I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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