Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
