If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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